WARNING: INCOMING RANT - You Aren't Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

Night of the Living Dead, Resident Evil, Left4Dead, 28 Days Later, Zombieland, The Walking Dead. There is no shortage of zombie media to consume these days. I'm a huge Walking Dead fan myself, but it bares noting that most geeks/nerds like ourselves are attracted to the idea of the breakdown of society. No more cliques, no more labels, survival of the fittest. Stupid people who were made famous would no longer be that and you'd hope to run into your high school bully as a member of the undead so you could shoot him in the head for shoving you in a locker and pantsing you in gym class in front of that popular girl you liked.

It sounds cool on paper to be like Ashley Williams with a boomstick in one hand and a chainsaw in the other ruthlessly mowing down hordes of undead to make you feel like the biggest bad ass on the planet. However, most people are woefully unprepared for said breakdown of society. Here are the major reasons that Ol' Joe Average is not ready for the zombie apocalypse.

  • You don't have a plan

Every time this topic gets brought up everyone says the same stupid ass thing. "I'm gonna go hole up at Cabela's/Wal-Mart!". Do you have any idea how many other people are going to have that same thought?

Everyone immediately defaults to firepower which is a good idea in theory. In this scenario, it's like Daryl Dixon said in The Walking Dead TV show, "Guns are worth more than gold. Gold won't protect your family or put food on the table."

Where I live the population is approximately 208,000 people. There are only 6 Wal-Marts so that equates to roughly 35,000 people per store and I don't care how big the average Wal-Mart is, it can't fit 35,000 people all at once.

For example, the arena where I live is 35,000 square feet with a holding capacity of about 10,000 - 11,000 people. The convention center is about 200,000 square feet split among 3 buildings and if you figure the capacity would be about 1/3 that amount of footage like the arena you're looking at about 60,000 people or so.

The nearest Cabela's is an hour long drive from here and the people that frequent Cabela's are typically hunters. It's tagline is "World's Foremost Outfitter" and I've been in Cabela's before. It's huge but I can guaran-damn-tee you that the people who are going to be headed there are going to be a lot more well armed than you are.

This ties in largely with my next point:

  • You don't have the arsenal to defend yourself

Unless you're a gun-nut, most people might have a couple to no guns in their home. Even if the zombie apocalypse were to start today, my wife and I only have sidearms. No semi-automatic/automatic weaponry, no shotguns, no explosives, nothing that would keep us sustained even past the initial panic.

You might start collecting guns now but with the economy the way it is you'll be saving up for quite some time. Most guns that are worth a damn start at around $300 - $500 and this isn't counting the ammunition and training time it would take you to become proficient in the firearm's use. You won't be able to pick up a firearm and start nailing headshots consistently at 25 feet or more while in a moving vehicle.

  • You aren't accounting for weather conditions

In the Inland Northwest, where The Drakkarium is located, we are winding down winter as I write this article. In the past month it has been as warm as 55 degrees and as cold as -11 degrees before the wind chill. The summers here get to be as hot as over 100 degrees at the hottest parts of the day.

Cold or heat might affect the undead but the human body is not prepared to brave -11 degree or 100+ degree weather for hours at a time.

Which ties into my next point:

  • You aren't prepared to survive without modern amenities

Getting past the armament, you wouldn't survive the week even if everyone had the firepower. In this digital age, most people (myself included) can't go an hour without checking their cell phones. Imagine if not only that, but your computer, television, hot water tank and heating/air conditioning unit all stopped working at the same time.

Things deemed simple that we use everyday and take for granted would be a hell of a lot harder to come by. Gasoline would slowly dry out being that there would be no more facilities to refine crude oil and beyond that we'd all die of thirst within a year. There is only so much bottled water in the world.

  • The average person is not ready to take the life of another human being

Most people forget that zombies, regardless of what universe you're in, are not the only threat. Other human beings would be arguably just as dangerous, if not more so, than the zombies.

So you would figure that you would just kill anyone who threatened you or your own people right?

Even if you were to do that, the effects would be long-lasting. Post-traumatic-stress-disorder is a very real thing and effects even the toughest of battle-hardened soldiers.

Street gangs are a big enough problem worldwide now, as it is, and when you remove the rule of law that makes the situation that much more intense. Huge groups of marauders and pillagers would begin to gather and it doesn't matter how many guns or bullets you have, if there is 25 of them and only 5 of you the numbers game will win out in the end.


So there you have it folks, 5 simple everyday reasons that you wouldn't survive the zombie apocalypse. Well that and it can't scientifically happen...